Having a Confidante

As I get older, I find there are fewer and fewer individuals with whom to really share my thoughts based upon memories and common experiences from the past. Two of my closest confidantes, my brother, Ray, and brother-in-law, Steve Dimitroff, have passed on. Others, I am close to, are not of my generation and/or have not shared in my life experiences. My four sons have certainly been part of my life , but they view me as "Dad", an authority figure from the past from whom they will always shield some of their intimate beings. It gets even more so with the grandchildren, who view me as "old" and definitely not "with it".

I remember the boyhood times with my brother (only 16 months older than me). We had our squabbles as well as good times. We fought each other's battles. I always benefitted most from this as Ray was bigger and stronger that I. We shared so many things when we were young, not the least of which was clothing (I got the "hand me downs"). We both were very protective of our younger sister, Louise, although we did often give her a bad time. There are so many things to remember, such as the difficult years during WW II when we lived in a rural area out of Placerville, California, without telephone, television, indoor plumbing, or electricity. These were all things that I could reconstruct in later years, in thought and conversation, with my brother Ray, my primary confidante.

In later years, as we grew up, Ray and I continued to compete, to relate, and to share experiences. There were first the bicycles, then the boy/girl relationships, then the cars. Ray learned to drive first and the two of us traveled to places like Redding, Placerville, and Lake Tahoe. Ray also drove us to church meetings where we were active (mostly to be with certain girls). I would later reminesce with Ray, my primary confidante, about these experiences.

Later, when we both got married, we talked frequently about our families and our children. I believe we each telephoned the other in the middle of the night when our first children were born. As crises occurred over the years , e.g., my marriage breakup, I visited and leaned on Ray to share in these situations. When he died in 1993, it felt like a part of me (my past life) died with him. I lost a confidante.

Stephan Dimitroff, my brother in law, was a confidante for 28 years. He died in March of 2008. Steve was of my generation and had shared some of the hard times in earlier years. He also had many cultural and intellectual interests that let me to bond with him early on. We would often correspond by email and telephone, sharing small tidbits and/or sharing advice. Steve was an unusual man with many interests, a good listener, and a wonderful confidante.



I do have another friend and confidante of my generation and he is still with us. He is Jim Morgan, another brother-in-law, my sister's husband. We share advice and counsel and, especially, reminesces of our spouses and children over the past 54 years. Jim has been a wonderful partner to my sister and a good friend to me. We share many thoughts and remembrances from years past. Jim and sister, Louise, are both confidantes.


Today, my closest confidante is my wife, Sandy, also known as Sam. But, she cannot share my male thoughts and emotions nor my memories of my early memories. She has a confidante of her own, an older sister, with whom she shares many of the life commonalities that I did with my brother. The bondings that develop with persons of your own sex and generation are precious. I cherish those I still have, but miss those who have departed.